"They're in a better place"

    Why do we say that? Every time we lose a patient that we have cared for through a lengthy illness and we lose the battle we always say, 'They're in a better place'. But are they really? You see as an atheist (because lets face it after all of the shit I have seen as a paramedic and now a nurse... how could you possibly believe) we don't believe in heaven and hell. So where exactly is it that they are supposed to be? People have asked me that all the time when they learn of my beliefs. My answer is that they are no longer suffering but that they are right that I don't think they have actually gone anywhere. So do we say it just to make ourselves feel better?

     I do believe that there is good and evil and that there are spirits that for whatever reason are trapped here on this earth. I don't however believe in organized religion or heaven or hell. For me there is karma. I truly believe that occasionally somehow we are placed in certain positions. There have been several patients that I have been placed in my care that I truly believe that I was the only nurse capable of providing the care needed. Whether it be because of my knowledge or skill or because of my ability to read and interact with my patients, I was the right nurse in the right place at the right time. 

    That being said.... "they're in a better place"

The privilege of caring for the faces that haunt you...

     As I sit here in my RV at my campground somewhere in the St. Louis, Missouri area I have been reflecting on the patients I have had the privilege of caring for. There is something to be said for this profession of nursing that I truly love. There is no other profession that allows you to integrate yourself into your patient's life. When you become your patient's arms when they don't work... Just think of that... your nose itches and your can't scratch it. But not only can you not scratch your nose, but also when your happen to pop yourself off of the ventilator which is connected to your tracheostomy tube you are unable to reattach it. Oh and did I mention that the same nerve damage that your have affecting your arms also makes it so that your diaphragm does not work. Without my being there my patient would die. I am there when every day you break down and cry with me knowing that your independence has been stripped from you in your 50s and you will be moving to a nursing home. I wiped away your tears held your hand (which you can still feel but can't move). 

    That was just one of the faces that are engrained in my mind forever. Then there are the others. One thing that I learned prior to even becoming a nurse, and while I was a paramedic, is that we don't always get to decide our patient's outcomes.  They are the ones that you care for as if they were your own family. You do everything for them as well and provided them with the best care physically possible. Yet the patient isn't ever going to walk out of that hospital. The only thing that sometimes keeps you going is that you know that you hopefully provided them with some humanity, dignity and hopefully some glimmer of normalcy in such a staunch cold institutional environment. I am so sorry you all are not with us on this earth but each one of you I hope know that you taught me something. You have helped me to hone my craft and have taught me how to care more wholly for my patients. 

    All that being said, it is still hard to think about all of the people you have cared for that you aren't able to continue to care for. You just have to hope that the people who are now caring for them are providing them with the same if not better care. I just hope that all of my patient's I have cared for know that there is a piece of them with me... 

Today I learned of your passing... I am sorry you didn't make it to your 81st birthday like you had hoped. You were so kind and appreciative of the care I provided. I wish all of my patients were as gracious. Thank you for letting me care for you during your time in my unit and I am sorry that what is for most a routine outpatient surgery ended up being your last encounter with "healthcare". I will do my best to remember you.

Your Nurse. A Poem

‘Hello, I am going to be your nurse’ is how it usually begins.
I come into your room and introduce myself with a little grin.
But more than the room I have entered, your life I have entered too.
You tell me things that no one knows that’s just between me and you.

These things you tell me during our talks can be hard for most to hear.
But I am your nurse and no matter what you look up and I am still there.
You sometimes feel all alone when family leaves and friends depart.
But alone you are not, for I am your nurse and I have opened up my heart.

You may feel scared, or nervous or sometimes even lost.
But I am your nurse and I will advocate for you no matter the time or the cost.
Whenever things are looking bad and your think that you may even die.
I am by your side every step of the way even if beyond the sky.

Thank you, thank you is all that I can say.
You think that I give unto you but what you give is worth more than pay.
To allow me into your most vulnerable time when you feel things can’t get worse.
Just remember to call out for me because forever I am your nurse.